Monday, September 10, 2012

This Bitter Earth

Kai's SONG OF THE WEEK: "'This Bitter Earth' is a 1960 song made famous by rhythm and blues singer Dinah Washington.[1] Written and produced by Clyde Otis,[2][3] it topped the U.S. R&B charts for the week of 25 July 1960 and also reached #24 on the U.S. pop charts.[4] The song is a key piece in the 1977 film Killer of Sheep by director Charles Burnett." (Wiki) (Lyrics)

Kai's Thoughts:

Have you seen me?
The splinter in my left hand, crooked fingers, scarred hands and jagged nails.
Three small moles on the left thumb and a burn below the right wrist-
Aged lines, marks of growth climb up my legs onto my back
Chicken-pox are gone, but left me all spotted.
Have you seen me?
The scars, the marks-
Do you think I’m beautiful all scarred and marked?
Outsides and insides- every outside mark has a name, and inside place.
Yes, I was sad there, clumsy there, lonely there
And I found freedom there
Have you seen me?
Did you leave any marks, any scars?
Inside or out?
Is your name here?
Have you seen me?
Did you make me more beautiful all scarred and marked?

Yes, I am beautiful all scarred and marked. We are all made up of joy and pain. I have been feeling some of earth's bitterness recently, but I don't believe I'll remain in that place. I allow myself space for sadness, anger, and disappointment. I am learning to be and sit with loss instead of immediately trying to get rid of the feelings. Sometimes we move on too quickly--I know that has been my tendency. When I'm hurt I long to move on to the next stage as soon as possible which is always something great. But there is something to be said for being conscious of the scars you have accumulated--in order to do this you might have to be uncomfortable for a little while. This is the place where you learn about yourself--growing pains are real. I have a hard time being alone because I have abandonment issues, but I am learning to be alone and to enjoy myself. I'm teaching myself to appreciate my own company because I don't think I have valued myself, my own awesomeness as much as I should. A lot of the scars I have are self-inflicted, self-doubt, my own voice telling me that I am not good enough. I'm taking the time now to re-meet myself and appreciate the person that I am and the person that I am becoming. This has been a year of transition and I welcome the journey to becoming a better me. It's a dialectical struggle;-) 



  1. Happy re-meeting time! Looking forward to remeeting you too :)