Kai's Thoughts:
Dear Donny,
You have saved my life over and
over again and for that I thank you. I thank you for telling me to hang on. I
thank you for creating notes that folks had never heard sung before, so blue.
In your voice I recognize a sadness, a deep sadness, but also a deep desire to
hold on and to struggle for dreams and freedom. You held on as long as you
could and I appreciate and respect your struggle. Thank you for leaving
something behind for a queer Black boi like me to hold on to. I thank you.
Yours in Love and in Struggle,
Kai
****
I go to the ocean to cry. I go to
the ocean because it reminds me of a day when my mom, my dad and me went to the
beach. We had a picnic basket. I remember being excited because, at least for a
moment, I could pretend we were a family---my dad protected us and my mother
stared lovingly at him and laughed at all his jokes. But we all knew that we
were playing out some heteronormative fantasy that never quite existed for us Black
folk in the same way. We probably wouldn’t have used those words, but that is
what it was. For a moment, even though we knew it was play, it was nice. It was
nice to feel held and protected in the shelters of patriarchy. If only that
were really the case, if only we had really been protected and safe. That dream
so quickly turns to nightmare and the beach fantasy fades away leaving us still
poor and still Black in a country that spends more money and energy on killing
the poor instead of changing the conditions that produce the poor.
I have struggled with depression
for most of my life and I mean that. I can remember sitting in the dark of my
mothers closet burying myself in mountains of clothing and feeling comforted by
the darkness and the calming cool of the space. I was young, very young and I
would go in there and sing a song, my song, “nobody loves me, nobody likes me.”
I sang this over and over again until I could cry. I remember one afternoon my
mother caught me and asked me what was wrong. I didn’t know how to tell her
what was wrong because I didn’t know. She asked me if it was because my Dad was
away in prison and I said yes. She tried to comfort me then. My sadness went
deeper than my Dad’s incarceration, but I didn’t have the words to articulate a
feeling, a thing that I continue to carry even now. There was no particular
reason for my tears, but they still came. I felt like I had to justify them,
but I’m learning how to not. How to just let them fall how to take deep
breathes and release. The ocean always changes for it is always moving and we
couldn’t stop that if we wanted to—and some seem to be trying.
This post is difficult to write
because my depression feeds off of being hidden in closets, at night alone, I
sneak away and when I am alone I am met with a deep sense of sorrow.
Don’t have to justify my tears/ I
go to the ocean and breathe in God/I breathe out all that has been bound in
here/In my chest/But for now I give myself rest
When I was in high school my
feelings of sadness I discovered came from not being able to articulate anger,
not feeling as though I could say I don’t like this or that, yet I still felt all
of those things. I would listen to Donny Hathaway albums and cry after cutting
myself. I cut myself because I wanted to cry, but could no longer get to the
tears. The physical pain helped me to cry. I wanted to feel and not to feel all
the things that felt just to heavy to bear. I didn’t know how to articulate
these things because I hadn’t been taught how to deal with hurt feelings. I was
taught to forgive, forgive without working through and move on. Keep moving. No
matter what, keep moving. I had to be strong because there were moments in my
childhood when there weren’t people around to protect me.
In high school I learned how ask
for what I want/need. I learned that it was okay to ask for what I want and to
tell someone what I don’t like. As a survivor of childhood sexual trauma, I
still struggle with feeling like it’s okay to ask for what I want/need and what
I do not. I’m not afraid of the tears. I’m not afraid of the sadness. I know it
is all there and I listen to it. I stopped cutting after high school, but I can
still feel the kind of pain I felt back then. What I do to manage these days is
to talk about it even though it’s hard, even though I still feel a great sense
of shame around my struggles with depression.
I write this to let other folk
who struggle with depression know that it is okay. You are not weak. You are
very strong and I love you. If you struggle with sadness and depression, what
are some of the tools you use to keep yourself healthy? If you are an
ally/friend to someone with depression, what are the tools you use to support?
Here are some of my tools:
1) As I am taking hormones, I
have to be extra careful about the balance of chemicals in my body, so I take
supplement like St. John’s Wort (comes in tea form). I also drink other hormone
balance teas. Vitamin D supplements are essential for me. When I was in high school
I discovered that I had a very serious vitamin D deficiency. I had to take an overdose
of vitamin D for years. A lack of vitamin D can seriously affect ones mood, so
get your levels checked if you can). Here is a link with some other herbal
suggestions.
2) Talk therapy has been good and
very necessary in moments while in others it has simply felt like an unhelpful
task that I resented. Figure out if talk therapy works for you and mostly
that’s about finding the right therapist. Don’t be afraid to ask your therapist
for what you need. If you need assignments, if you need more feedback, if you
need feedback in a particular way—let them know. This is a space that is about
you so don’t be afraid to make it work for you and take up the space you need.
There are also other forms of therapy that are based in somatic practices that
might be useful especially if you are trying to deal with trauma.
3) Meditate. For me meditation
sometimes comes in the form of sitting and conscious breathing. Sometimes I do
yoga poses, but what has been the best kind of meditation is hiking. Find your
meditative practice, a time where you encounter yourself whole and consciously
aware of both your mind and your body. I have a difficult time being fully
present in body which is why I like meditative hikes because I spend time
asking my body how it feels and observing and feeling all of myself as I move.
Of course sometimes it is good to be still. Can you be still?
4) Regular physical activity is a
MUST. I do some kind of strenuous physical activity at least three times a week
(recently I have been running). When I can feel myself falling into a bout of
depression I know that I need to workout more even though those are the times
when I just want to hide away in bed. I have to push myself to do the activity
knowing that I always feel better afterwards.
5) Check in with friends. People love
you and care about you. If you’re having a hard time let someone know. If you
can, ask for what you need. I have a really hard time reaching out to people
when I’m depressed because I feel ashamed. I also don’t want to feel like a
burden. Yes, you have to be careful of boundaries, but let your friends and
loved ones know you are having a hard time because they love you and as much as
you might feel like it, you are not alone.
Freedom in my heart/ Freedom in my bowl/ And my face is
black/ Like my freedom/ Like my soul/ The thing that can never be bought or sold/
Black is beautiful/ Black as night/ Black and the time is right/ To escape we
don’t need the light/ We just need each other
That’s all I have for now. What
are some your strategies for coping with depression? Please share.
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