Butterfly

KAI's SONG(s) OF THE WEEK: 

 

I encourage you all to check out Bilal's new Album, A Love Surreal (2013). I've listened to the whole album multiple times, which is something that I rarely do. The album feels like a non-linear journey through love/life. 

 

Bilal definitely drops some poetic knowledge and it's important to be able to feel that today when it's so easy to become desensitized to what's going on around us, outside us, but also inside us. 

 

How can we create a new world if we don't have visions of what we want? Our imaginations become stifled when we are disconnected from ourselves and each other.

 

The fact that Bilal's Album is called A Love Surreal cannot be taken lightly. It is the kind of love we need to day, a courageous kind. 

 

In my favorite book, Freedom Dreams: The Black Radical Imagination, Robin D.G. Kelley writes: "Surrealism, I contend, offers a vision of freedom far deeper and more expansive than any of the movements discussed thus far. It is a movement that invites dreaming, urges us to improvise and invent, and recognizes the imagination as our most powerful weapon."(159).

 

Imagine...a caterpillar becoming a butterfly...one thing becoming another...how do we get there? 

 

I encourage you to listen to the album, but I will feature the track Butterfly. 

 

"The struggle makes you beautiful."

 

 

Kai's Thoughts:   

When I die, do not bury me
Let me roam free
I will go to places that in this life I will never get to see
In this body and with these eyes
Restricted by these pockets
Empty, though big in debt size.

But my soul is full
Filled with contradiction
A mere reflection of the current state of things at large
Land of the free home of the greatest population
Behind bloody prison bars

But my soul knows free
And escapes like Harriet in the night 
And Mumia's voice, freedom only needs one a mic
And Marlon, traversing between
What is and what ain't
Untying tounges
He has come to be one of my
Black queer patron saints

And my heart believes in free
because it is a dream that was handed down to me
When I die, you cannot bury me
I will leave something behind
It will grow outside of me and inspite of me
The dandelion arises again and again
A soul cannot be enslaved 
A radical tradition indeed
From nothing and everything
We continue to witness the resillancy of
Some Black radical dreamer's seed.

It is in us.
Be thankful for our inheritance. 
<3always
     

Life is Real

KAI's SONG(s) OF THE WEEK: 

This week's jam is "Life is Real" from Ayo's "debut album Joyful, which was first released in 2006, reached Double-Platinum status in France, Platinum in Germany and Poland, Gold status in Switzerland and Italy and Greece. The album was released in the United States on 20 November 2007 by Interscope Records. Ayo (born as Joy Olasunmibo Ogunmakin on 14 September 1980 in Frechen near Cologne, Germany) is a Nigerian-German singer-songwriter. She uses the Yoruba translation Ayọ or Ayo. of her first name Joy." (Wiki) (Lyric)

 

Kai's Thoughts:   

I heard this song this morning and I just had to share it!

The lyric says it all-->

"Some people say that/ I'm too open/ they say/ it's not good to let them know everything about me/ and they say one day/ they will use every little thing against me/ But i don't mind maybe they're right/ that's just how it is and i got nothing to hide./ i live my life the way i want/ i got nothing to hide/ nothing at all/ life is not a fairy tale/ they should know that Life is real."

Whatever energies you release into the universe that is what you will get back. When you give love, when you give gratitude, when you give forgiveness, when you give you will surely receive. 

Of course there will be haters. Those who don't like you simply because your ability to be vulnerable may be triggering. A lot of us want to be free, but we aren't and when we witness someone who is approaching freedom or basking in it, instead of being able to value that light we take it as a reminder of what we are not.

We all have a story. We are all valuable. Do you see the value in your own life, your own gifts?

Once you start to make that journey towards self love, it becomes easier to walk authentically, without fear or doubt. You came here for a reason and there is no one else who can do what you do. The message that you have is unique and divine, you must take the time to discover what that is because this world needs you.    

I am learning now how to truly love and LIKE myself and it is a long journey but one that has completely changed my interaction with life. When you start to value yourself, you begin to feel more solidly anchored. You become honest, honest about what hurts, about what feels really good, about the things that are difficult, and the things that bring you the most joy and when you gain that kind of clarity you are walking in your truth. 

The thing about walking in your truth is that it isn't always easy because there will be those who try to stop you, there will even be those who you thought were friends who walk away, but there will also be those who love you more, those who embrace you more fiercely--that's your team.  

Let your light shine. Respect and honor your life, your words, your struggles, your total being-->it all deserves love. 

Don't forget to nourish the freedom dreaming poem that you are.


   

Kinfolk--(Re)Membering Uncle Junior

Kai's SONG OF THE WEEK:

"Kin Folk" is a track from Anthony David's 2006 record, Red Clay Chronicles. Take a second and give gratitude for the family you have been given and/or chosen. 

Kai's Thoughts: 

My Uncle, James Carraway Jr. passed away early Monday morning (yesterday). We knew he was sick, but we didn't know how sick. I am happy to have had the opportunity to visit him while I was home in the East Bay over the winter holiday. I visited him with three of my aunts and as soon as we walked in the room we started singing, trying to find our parts, the right key... We were all happy and together.  If you don't know anything else about you, you have to know how much I love my family and how important family is to me. I am blessed to have such a close family that is held together by God's greatest gift, love. 

My grandparents had 8 children together. They moved to Oakland California from Paris, Texas way back in the day and raised an AMAZING tribe, "The Carraways." The stories I have heard over the years about their upbringing always make me smile. These stories have come to feel like stories of Superheroes--Black Superheroes and that's where I come from. 

I am so saddened by the loss of one of my Superheros today, but I know Uncle Junior will live on in our hearts and in our stories. I offer this short piece from some of the stories I have heard over the years and I reprint it today in honor of my uncle, Junior. 

 

**** 

 

As a child I remember sitting around dining room tables, sometimes on couches and floors, cuddle up with cousins, siblings, aunts, and my mom. We’d all drink strong coffee with creamer, but my mom and Uncle Steve always liked it black. Sometimes we’d play spades, dominos, taboo, or another game someone had picked up along the way and brought back home to share. There would always come a point late in the night, eyes heavy, red and tired, but not yet ready to say good night. Someone would recall that one time when…

 

That one time when cousin J found and brought the man who robbed G (his mother, my aunt) back to the house all tied up in the back of a car…J was proud of what he had done, but G was afraid and told her son to untie that man and let him go. We all laughed.

That one time my mom recalls taking care of her little sister, L and giving her a spanking.  L put some kind of curse (she had gotten into witchcraft) on my mom and her chair broke. My mom was afraid and L got another spanking.  L was thought to be strange and a little bit crazy for her interest in witchcraft in such a Christian and God fearing home.

I listen to these stories and I try to remember them all. I like how I can hear the story about my mom getting into a fight in kindergarten. She was trying to help her older brother JR. fight “these white boys”. The boys were all in middle school. JR gave my mom his belt and she was holding her own until someone knocked off her glasses or maybe she just got pushed down. She was kicked repeatedly in her eyes and when JR. saw that, my mom said he just went off. And at some point the fight ended. When they got ready to walk back home my mom couldn’t see a thing. She was blind. I can’t remember how long she says it lasted, but it was more than a day. I remember her saying that she had to stay and fight with and for her brother because granddaddy would really give you a spanking if ever you left any of your family to fight alone.

No matter what, family comes first and we fight for and sometimes with one another. And sometimes we end up being blind. And those pains and scars translated years down become stories retold that inspire me to fight. And when I fight I know I have the strength of the little girl that was my mom. Taking comfort in the fact that even though she went blind for a moment she still had her brother with her to carry her home.

Every time I hear one of these stories I feel like I’m being carried home—home to a place that I have never actually touched nor smelled nor heard. But I can still feel it and I know it—someplace that always escapes me yet remains centrally grounded within me.

Some things are just in my blood--some pains and some joys they travel in and through me. Some memories of sadness and hope I feel but I can’t always really touch them. You know the feeling when you just can’t quite put your finger on a thing. Some memories so deep have been transported from generations and people and places I have never seen with my own eyes— though I sometimes get glimpses in my dreams.

I wonder if one day I’ll meet those folk whose bloodlines flow and grow in me biologically and spiritually. I wonder if I’ll recognize them and if they’ll recognize me. Is that what flying home yields? I imagine a return to the future whereby I become whole because we all recognize and see each other here and now—beautifully (be)coming together.

#Givemorelove

Give Love on Christmas Day

Kai's SONG OF THE WEEK:

"'Give Love on Christmas Day' is a Christmas song first recorded by Motown Records' family quintet The Jackson 5." The version I share with you today is cover by one of the greatest soul singers of our day, Ledisi. This version can be found on her 2008 Christmas album,"It's Christmas." (lyrics)

 

Kai's Thoughts: 

I am grateful for love today and everyday.

I am grateful for smiles from strangers.

I’m grateful for the sun, the moon, and the stars.

I’m grateful for the rain.

I’m grateful for the quiet that comes when the rain ceases.

I am grateful for old ladies who smell like sweet potato pie and peppermint sticks.

I am grateful for the brother who was out on Lakeshore yesterday with his amp, blessing the world with his soulful baritone.

I am grateful for my friend, my elder, Terry De Grace who invited me and my mother to her Christmas Eve church services yesterday at the Plymouth UCC Chruch of Jazz and Justice.

I am grateful for the message of hope and faith. 

I am grateful that even in the face of a reality that tells us we shouldn’t be here,  some of us still believe and struggle for life and joy and FREEDOM.

I am grateful for those of us who believe that what is, does not determine what will/can be.

I am grateful for the solstice ritual that Fly and Jay invited me to.

I am grateful for the end of this time according to the Mayan calendar.

I am pre-grateful for the end of Capitalist time.

I am grateful for the Time of Revolutionary Love that continually disrupts Capitalist time.

I am grateful for YOU.

What are you grateful for today?

A Love Poem for Love

       It is the end of time as we have known it

         But we are still alive            And love still persist

     With a brush from the lips             Of my lover, she slips

                                                                                                              Forward, out of space             And I don’t catch her             ‘Cause she fly

             And the sun burns for her

                 Like my soul, it yearns for her     

           Transformative elsewheres

        And I think I hear myself there

                  No there… there…

                                                                                              And beyond…

  It is always the words unspoken

That make you feel

                                                                                                        As though flying is a possibility        

Alive and Alive

                                                     Jumping into darkeness'                                           light

         It is as sweet as smoke and soft lips touching

            Calloused hands and ashy legs meet to make beautiful

                          This and these                  

                                                                                                 Words don’t make much sense here

In the silences of full hearts

 Sparked stares reveal something...

Laughter and smiles make music

The kind I like to listen to when I’m all by myself or

Dancing with you 

                                      Embracing the moment

                                                                                                                   It won’t last                        

                                                                                             But  for now

It is enough

I’ve never been full like this

And still these words won’t make much sense                            here

They belong, nowhere                                                  here

 Yet exist.

 

 

 

Hold on to whatever it is that keeps the sky from falling

For it also keeps you and I from drowning.

SENDING MUCH LOVE TO YOU AND YOURS<3<3<3 #givemorelove

I Just Called to Say I Love You

Kai's SONG OF THE WEEK:

‘“I Just Called to Say I Love You’ is a song written, produced and performed by Stevie Wonder. It was one of Wonder's most commercially successful singles. The song was first featured in the 1984 comedy The Woman in Red, along with two other songs by Wonder, and scored number one on the Billboard Hot 100 for three weeks from October 13, 1984, and also became Wonder's only solo UK number-one success, staying at the top for six weeks. It also became his tenth number-one on the R&B chart, and his fourth number-one on the adult contemporary chart. In addition, the song won both a Golden Globe and an Academy Award for Best Original Song. The song also received three nominations at the 27th Grammy Awards for Best Male Pop Vocal Performance, Song of the Year and Best Pop Instrumental Performance.” (Wiki) (lyrics)

Kai's Thoughts:  

A phone call can make all the difference. A phone call from a friend, lover, parent, or even a stranger can change the energy of both parties.  A phone call can bring about healing.

My Dad calls me every Sunday morning and usually he just wants to let me know that he's around, he's present, he loves me and hasn't forgotten about our date. He never misses a Sunday call and I think this is his way of making up for lost time, time when I would wait and he wouldn't show up. He's here now and I'm grateful for forgiveness which allows me to be open to this relationship. 

Last week  I had a beautiful conversation with a person that I've never met in real life--only facebook exchanges. This person reached out to me and wanted to talk on the phone. If you know me well, then you know that one of this things I love to do most is talk. When people reach out to me, especially Black queer folk, I do my best to respond because I know how lonely it can feel when you think you're the only one. I also know how affirming it is when you realize you are not the only one. I spoke to this person about the possibility of taking hormones. I asked them if they had enough support. I asked them a lot of questions and I listened. 

Love is a listening.

I've been talking to a lot more people on the phone since I've been living alone. I am learning how to reach out on those mornings when sadness seems to get the best of me. I hesitate to talk about it or tell people about it because I fear they might get annoyed or not want to talk to me anymore, but I've been challenging myself to be more vulnerable. It feels scary, but it also feels good because I have some AMAZING people in my life who love, value and care about me and my well-being. Without these people loving me, healing me, giving me the space to not feel just right, I wouldn't be able to have the strength to do the work that I do. We have to care for each other because we all have such important work to do. 

Everything is connected. 

As I heal myself, I make more space for healing to occur outside/around me.

Reach out to someone today. Remind them how loved they are. Remind them how valuable their life is. These kinds of reminders can never be given too often. 

Call someone and just say, "I LOVE YOU!"

I'm grateful for all of the people who reached out to me this past week and in some way or another tranifested love.

<3<3<3

*Weekly Jam has been modified to (Bi)Weekly so that I have more time for #OperationDissertationStation ;-)

Black Gold/We are Dandelions

Kai's SONG OF THE WEEK:

 "Black Gold" (lyircs) was released in 2012, a collaboration between Esperanza Spalding and Algebra.

There is a video, but I suggest that you just listen to the song first here, and then watch the video:

Kai's Thoughts:

"You are Black Gold/We are Dandelions"

I remember the first book I learned to read, “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do You See?” I remember this book and learning how to read because it was such a difficult and frustrating process. My mom tried to assist me, but my frustration got the best of me and at one moment I picked the book up and threw it across the room and yelled “I’ll never learn how to read!” From that moment on my mom took a step back and let me figure out certain things on my own. Even if I had to struggle she knew that I would eventually get it because I always did well in school.

I never felt comfortable talking to my mother or anyone else about was how difficult reading was for me. I couldn’t quite understand it because I knew that I was smart. So why was it so difficult to pay attention to the words? Why did some sentences get transposed in my head? I only ever felt shame about this. I did my best to hide my challenge because I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak or even worse stupid. How could someone who loved language so much hate the act of reading? It was/is painful.

I have a hard time talking about my learning disability because I, like a lot folks with challenges, have been taught to feel shame and embarrassment about my difference. Writing this is my first step in challenging my own internalized ableism which has prevented me from asking for help when I needed it. Why? Because I have been afraid that people will tell me I don’t belong here—funny thing is that I have already been told that many times, but I’m still here. Why? Because I’m a PhD candidate and someday soon I’ll be a professor and those things have always been in conflict with learning disability even though I know that isn’t the truth (Remember Theo from the Cosby Show?).

I am doing a lot these days to rebuild and heal—part of that work means embracing and loving all parts of myself, parts that I have kept hidden for fear that they would make me seem weak. I write this knowing that vulnerability does not equal weakness—it just seems that we don’t always have a lot of safe space to be vulnerable without judgment. I am working to create safer spaces for my people—Black, Queer, poor, disabled—and in order to really do that work I must be honest about the person I am.

I opened this piece with two quotations that have been shared with me over the past couple of weeks.

You are Black Gold: My brother played this song for me over the weekend (We communicate via music) and I am so grateful to have really heard this song. The lyric, “There'll be folks hell-bent on putting you down/ Don't get burned/ Not necessarily everyone will know your worth/ Think of all the strength you have in you/ From the blood you carry within you.”

Some people won’t know your worth and your job is not to prove yourself to those people. Your job is to instead gain strength and courage from the folks who do know how valuable you are—those people will help you grow. Spend your time on people who value you, people who love you unconditionally, because you deserve that and you need that so that you can focus on the work of changing the world that we live in.

We are Dandelions: My dear friend, Patrisse, has been reminding me of this all week. When I asked her what she meant she said, “ Dandelions are weeds, but have so much nutrient value. It’s the flower of the hood. We are all Dandelions. We are seen as weeds, and folks are determined to pluck us and discard us, but WE are medicine. We are medicine!”

We have been sent here to change the world—to heal it. I believe that. But some people don’t want things to change and they will fight us. They will tell us that we are wrong. They will tell us that we are not supposed to be here and there is no room for us. We must continue to survive to prove these folks wrong. But more importantly, we must continue to check in with ourselves and remind ourselves/each other that we are here and we are lovely just as we are (don’t internalize someone else’s hate). We should not be ashamed or embarrassed because of our differences. Outside forces will tell us that we need to change, that we need to medicate ourselves so that we can be happy, but we are medicine! 

Let the Wind Blow

Kai's SONG OF THE WEEK: 

"Let the Wind Blow" is a track from Fertile Ground's 1999 "Spiritual War" album. (Lyrics)

Take the time out to listen to this track--it's really great:-)

 

Kai's Thoughts:  

Truth: This past month has been one of the most difficult for me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. My relationship with my partner for the past three years officially ended. I moved to a new place by myself—I have never lived alone. I got the flu and strep throat which I haven’t had since I was 10. All of these happenings occurred during one of my busiest traveling schedules--In the past month I’ve been in WI, MA, NY, and numerous trips to the Bay Area. The traveling along with the major life changes were exhausting, which is one of the reasons why I decided to take a break from the Weekly Jam Post for almost a month—But I’m Back! 

 

Truth: The movement, all of the traveling, the engaging with people in different spaces has been essential for my healing in this moment. I am a person who values stability, and while I know that change is inevitable and necessary I have a tendency to choose stability over change in my personal relations because of fear—fear that I will fall and not be able to get back up again.

Truth: Though this has been one of the most destabilizing moments in my life, it has taught me some important lessons 1) I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was 2) My community goes so deep that there is no reason for me to ever feel afraid. I am always held—we are always held.

Truth: Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end, but only if you are willing to let go (end.), take risks, and fly.

Truth: Flying can feel like falling until you recognize that you haven’t hit the ground yet, and you won’t. You are okay.

Truth: In the past month I have experienced so much love—all kinds of love from all kinds of people and in all different spaces. I appreciate you. I give more love in return to my elders, more love to California, more love to my people in LA and in Oakland, more love to my East Coast family, more love to my Brown Boi family, more love to my Black feminist family—more love... You have all held me and helped me to recognize this moment not simply as a breaking-down, but instead it is an opportunity to rebuild—there is so much possibility in the remake/remix. Magic. Black.

Truth: I find myself smiling more than ever—genuine big cheesy smiles.

Truth: We are Dandelions (Thank you, Trisse<3).

Truth: The wind blows, but you remain—strong, more beautiful. Black—resiliency.

Truth: It’s time for revival.

A Litany for Revival[1]

Litany: a prayer consisting of a series of invocations and supplications

Revival: an act or instance of reviving: the state of being revived: renewed attention to or interest in something: a new presentation or publication of something old: restoration of force, validity, or effect. 

“Poetry is Not a Luxury.” Audre Lorde Reminds us. “There are no new ideas. Only New ways of making them felt.”

I find you, Black queer histories, Black queer geographies, mapping the terrain of the unnamed and the unknown, but we know you, we feel you. I find you in folders and boxes stored away. In cold dark rooms, on shelves, you, like boiling water somehow keep your fire while overflowing, and I receive the overflow. I am ready now.

Were you waiting for me? Because I have been dreaming of you and your stories. Were you dreaming about me and my friends back then? Were you thinking of us when you asked for Black and Gay, race, class, gender and sexuality? Intersectionality—Intergenerationally. see your souls reached out to me and I have been touched. Anointed because you were unafraid to tell it like it is. Your visions have shaped future generations of Black queer freedom dreamers, Black weirdos, Black nerds who just want to be—we must get free.

Were you thinking of yourselves and just how badd you really were and still are? They told me you didn’t exist like this. But I have seen you now. And I come to you with questions. How did we get here? I know I can’t go back, but perhaps you can give me some ideas as to how to move forward. I come to you humbly and with gratitude. I thank you for the doing and the writing. I thank you for documenting your lives as you lived and loved so fiercely. And I know the record is incomplete. I know there are things I will never truly come to understand. But please teach me what I need to know now—for this moment and for these people, my people, you have certainly help to make possible our radical imaginations—yes a new world is not only possible, it is desirable. We want it. We are hungry for revival and restoration. I talk to you in the past and bring you to the future and back again—see there is no death for us Black queers only resurrection, reincarnation Because I will never quit you and I know that you will never leave me. Past, present, and future all collide to make a beautiful Black feminist elsewhere. And we don’t have time, only love, revolutionary in its call—it comes to heal us as it came to heal you. Your arms, poetry, music, embrace us and we love back, touch back. And they said we didn’t, they say we couldn’t exist—and maybe they can’t see, but I know they feel us now, Audre  Lorde, Toni Cade Bambara, Sojurner Truth, Gloria Hull, Anne Allen Shockley, Cheryl Clarke, June Jordan, Pat Parker, Frances Beal, Jewel Gomez, Angela Davis, Patricia Hill Collins, bell hooks, Ida B. Wells, Flo Kennedy, Alexis Pauline Gumbs, Julia Wallace, Treva Ellison, Patrisse Marie Cullors-Brignac, Prentis Hemphill, Jewel Thais-Williams, and YOU, you reading this and helping to make manifest this freedom dream.

There are no new ideas. Only new ways of making them felt. Reach out to your ancestors and to the people around you and just watch how they reach back. We were never meant to survive, but we are here and we will never die because our lives are not bound by earth’s time, this landscape. No, we know spaceships that go beyond space. We carry our maps on our backs, in our blood, with our dreams of freedom we continue to make the world anew.

Welcome to the revival.  

---

[1] These are the comments I offered at the Black Queer Geographies Roundtable @ the SF State Queer Yo’ Mind Conference 2012. (Alexis Pauline Gumbs, Julia Roxanne Wallace, and Treva Ellison were also part of this roundtable).